Eyes Only
by Drea Jackman
Summary: What really lies behind Eyes Only? Logan's altruistic nature or something that goes much deeper? (Complete)
1. Reflections

Title: Reflections  
  
CoWritten By: Drea Jackman  
  
Email: DreaJackman@Literati.co.uk  
  
Rating: 18 (Overall)  
  
Summary: What really lies behind Eyes Only?  
  
Series: Eyes Only  
  
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters involved. All Dark Angel characters belong to Cameron/Eglee Productions and Fox...the lucky *ahem*!  
  
Dedication: For Cale, who really pushed me to attempt this story.  
  
Archive: Sure, just email me to lemme know where first. Thanks!  
  
Feedback: Hell yeah! It's another of the small pleasures of writing.  
  
Author's Note: Set pre-kisses and confessions in 'Meow'. I do realise that Logan's birthday and the date of the pulse are not as they appear in this fic, but it made for a more interesting story.  
________________________________________________________________  
  
"...This has been a Streaming Freedom Video. Peace. Out."  
  
Logan clicked the remote in the general direction of the video camera mounted on the desktop opposite and the red light stopped blinking. Standing up with a muffled sigh he tossed it down on the surface beside the camera and leaned over his computer desk, clicking impatiently on a few keys. After a few minutes he shutdown the screens and walked to the window stiffly.  
  
The suit had been working fine for the past few days and in any other circumstances Logan would've been more than happy, but that wasn't how he felt right now. Truth be known he was aware of his descent into the depths of the depression that had seized him after his hopes of walking again had been dashed. This time it wasn't because he felt worthless or because Max wasn't interested in a relationship with him. It was the opposite.  
  
All the time Logan had known Max, she'd shown him the real her. Everything that she was, everything that Manticore had made her and instilled in her. She had trusted him and shown him her true self and that was only one of the many things Logan knew he loved about her. The truth was that even though Max thought she knew him, the good and true Logan Cale, she really had no idea what he was or what he had been.  
  
Sighing Logan went to the window and stared out over the dim city lights. How had this happened to him? He hadn't been the usual image of a spoilt rich kid with time on his hands. He had genuinely had an interest and ability for writing and being able to envoke the reader's emotions. What had changed him?   
  
The answer was 'Nothing.' The thing was, Logan had never changed. The same altuistic nature and need to do-good, help the helpless had been ever present.   
  
"Blah blah, woof woof..." he said leaning his forehead against the cold glass pane infront of him with a sigh.  
  
It was still in his nature, the same sense of right and wrong and the driving force that compelled him to do something about it. 'Trouble all began there.' he thought. As Logan pulled himself up onto the ledge beside the window he folded one leg under him and let the other hang down towards the floor as he turned his gaze back out over the city he was linked to as more than some anonymous protector. His memories drifted back to when he had been a young man of 20.  
  
***  
  
Typically his family had been on his back about finding a decent job. One worthy of a Cale, or so they'd imagined. This young man was outwardly very different in appearance to his counterpart of almost 12 years. He was clean-shaven, his hair neatly parted to the side and trimmed short. He remembered being strangely excited about the coming weekend, even though he should have had his mind on more important things. The prospect of turning 21 was still a big deal to him. Another turning point in life.  
  
He'd gone home and resumed his place at one of a few computers scattered around his office space. As he was pulling up schematics and making slight alterations here and there to the programming behind them his cell had gone off. Answering it quickly he'd propped it by his ear as he continued to type furiously at the keyboard. That had been it, he'd realised it in coming week. The turning point that rivalled that of his 21st year.  
  
Logan heard his own voice clearly in his minds eye. He'd been making the modifications required by the presence over the phone and agreed on their place of action. 'All set.' he'd said with determination. He remembered being so eager to pull this off well, not only because he was the youngest of those involved, but because it was for a genuine cause.  
  
A few months before Logan had been contacted by some anonymous source with information about how all the city's financial records had been compromised. All the details had been altered for the banks gain. People were loosing money little by little through things the bank managed to cover up and hide. Details that no one noticed until pointed out.   
  
It had appealed to Logan's sense of justice and morality to become involved without a second thought. They'd asked for his help as they'd known how capable he was when it came to computers and from the few articles he'd had published they'd known his stance on issues like this. To put it bluntly they'd seen him as a shue-in, an easy recruitment who'd get the job done. What Logan had in mind was far from what actually took place.  
  
The plan was fairly simple. They'd provide the resources for this newly thought up electromagnetic pulse, mostly on Logan's lavish account, and he'd provide them with the computer hacks and programs to administer it. It would only affect certain chosen systems and only activate within the regions of the city. A little payback and justice for those being ripped off by the corrupt and their banks in Seattle. Now the plan was set in motion. It'd go off this weekend, the day before Logan's birthday.  
  
As far as he'd known, the others were set up and in place. Logan had been set up where he'd told Max he'd been when the Pulse hit. Indeed, on a yacht in the harbour. But he had been alone. Computer rigged up he'd received the signal to deliver, so with the best intentions he could've had, that's exactly what he'd done. Within a few seconds his computer had crashed in his lap, the yacht had indeed ran aground as the satnav went out. A strange eery silence had crept over everything surrounding Logan. The memories sent shivers down his spine. It was a feeling of being totally cut off, of being alone.  
  
Eventually he'd made it into dock and went back home, all the way news broadcasts made in flurries on TV screens everywhere that reports were coming in of mass computer failure. Entire networks had been destroyed in the blink of an eye. Logan hadn't known the full extent until he'd gotten home. Alone, he'd turned on the television expecting to hear reports of how financial details were in turmoil and banks throughout Seattle were in havok. That wasn't what he'd found.  
  
***  
  
Logan banged his head softly on the glass pain infront of him repeatedly and cursed himself in a whisper. "Should've known better." Punctuating each sentence with another thump on the window pane. "You did this. You did all this."  
  
***  
  
As the bulletins continued Logan felt sick to his stomach, his legs giving way under him as he sank to the floor. The reports kept coming in. It hadn't been as contained as he'd intended. All systems in Seattle had been effected by the pulse, not merely the intended targets. Within the hour more news was coming on that other states systems had followed. By that evening it had been confirmed that the entire United States were in turmoil, all caused by something scientists had begun to suspect was a triggered electromagnetic pulse.  
  
It had been 2 days since Logan last ate by the time he'd begun to face the aftermath along with family and friends. His 21st birthday had come and gone unrecognised by everyone concerned, even him. Gradually in the coming months he'd continued on just as the victims of the pulse had. As the months turned into years and his life moved on, he'd never spoken of the events leading up to the pulse again, not to anyone.   
  
And in the space of a few years Logan himself had almost managed to forget he'd been involved. The pulse was talked about like any other terrorist act. It had been terrible, people had suffered, but they were all moving on. It was only when a particular piece of information had made it's way to him that Logan had relived that time entirely. In that instant Eyes Only had been born.   
  
Eyes Only. A network of all his contacts and information sources used to help rid the city of it's criminal underbelly. To bring all the corruption to light and have justice maintained in this post-apocalyptic time. Eyes Only didn't only offer that. It served as Logan's repayment to the city. A way to clear a conscience that no matter what, was destined to plague him with guilt and suffering. His way of making amends for the wrongs in his life.  
  
***  
  
Logan felt tears stinging his eyes and blinked them back as he slunk down from the ledge. Glancing round his appartment he looked at all the things his lifestyle could afford, yet none of it ever brought a clear conscience or a feeling of pride for what his life had accomplished. His eyes fell upon his wheelchair, still in use most of the time but he was getting on his way to being free of it. Behind that rested the cane he'd used to help him walk when the damage to his spine had temporarily been reversed a few months before.  
  
A sudden rage boiled up inside Logan as he once again saw what he'd done and what his life had become. Not all of it was regret, but nothing would change the fact that he'd been the cause of so much suffering. With an anger-fuelled strength Logan hurled the chair back against the wall and watched it tip over. Grabbing the cane he struck it several times over before his swing carried him round enough to see his computers. Eyes Only wrapped up in a neat package. One screen shattered into pieces at his hands and was hurled to the floor.   
  
As Logan whirled round looking for something else to attack he took precious few moments to catch his breath and focus on what he was doing. Seconds later came the reason why and he stumbled back toward the window and collapsed against the ledge. Even though he couldn't really feel his legs, he knew the weak feeling that seized his body had claimed those too. Sinking down toward the floor Logan sat with his knees drawn up to his chin, cane still by his side and buried his face in his hands. He may have sworn never to face this again or let it affect him in this way, but Logan broke down into quiet sobs. He'd broken his promise again.  
  
  



	2. Reaching Decisions

Title: Reaching Decisions  
  
Written By: Drea Jackman  
  
Email: DreaJackman@Literati.co.uk  
  
Rating: 15 (Overall)  
  
Summary: What really lies behind Eyes Only?  
  
Series: Eyes Only  
  
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters involved. All Dark Angel characters belong to Cameron/Eglee Productions and Fox...the lucky *ahem*!  
  
Dedication: For Cale, who really pushed me to attempt this story.  
  
Archive: Sure, just email me to lemme know where first. Thanks!  
  
Feedback: Hell yeah! It's another of the small pleasures of writing.  
  
Author's Note: Set pre-kisses and confessions in 'Meow'. I do realise that Logan's birthday and the date of the pulse are not as they appear in this fic, but it made for a more interesting story.  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
"You done yet?" Max yelled from the kitchen of the apartment she shared with Original Cindy.  
  
She'd been patienly waiting for all of half an hour to get Cindy out of the bathroom so she could shower with the remaining hot water. It wasn't like her to be so fussy about getting ready in a hurry, but tonight was special. She had to drop by Logan's, unannounced of course. Max knew he'd forgotten what day it was, hell she was sure he'd didn't even know exactly what month it was. He'd been so taken up with his cause lately that she'd hardly spent anything more than business hours with him. You know, the usual missions to serve the city, fight the good fight, blah blah, woof woof. Still, tonight was special and Max wanted to surprise him.  
  
"C'mon already." she thumped the bathroom door hard.  
  
The water was shut off and within a few seconds Original Cindy appeared still dripping wet in her towel. "Yeah, yeah a'ight boo. Calm down. Original Cindy's all done."  
  
"'Bout time too." Max grunted as she grabbed her things and headed for the bathroom.  
  
As Max closed the door behind her Original Cindy wandered into the kitchen space and grabbed one of the rarely-come-by apples that Max had brought home. Little present Logan had dug up the weekend before. Sighing she made her way to her room. "Someone's in a rush to get over to her rich boy's house tonight." she muttered under her breath before taking a bite out of the apple and slumping down on her bed.  
  
Within the next 15 minutes Max was showered, clean and feeling all lady-like. Well, as much as she liked to anyway. She'd pulled on a pair of blue jeans, cut to lie on the hips as usual and a black V-neck top that stopped just on her stomach. Rubbing at her wet hair furiously with a towel as she emerged from the steamy bathroom she threw it down on the end of the couch as she checked herself in the mirror.  
  
"Casual but still hot, huh Boo?"  
  
"Always." Max replied with a smile.  
  
"So you got big plans for loverboy's birthday tonight?"  
  
"I already told you..."  
  
"I know, I know." Original Cindy cut in. "You an' richboy ain't like that."  
  
Max tossed her a look that explained it all as she grabbed her jacket from the chair it hung over. "I'm just goin' over to send my greetings, give him my best. You know the drill."  
  
"Mmm, Hmm." Cindy retorted, one eyebrow raised. "So how come he don't know you're gonna be swingin' by? Thought he'd have some big dinner set up for y'all."  
  
"Cause," Max began a little hesitantly. "Just figured he'd appreciate the surprise as much as anything else."  
  
"I bet."  
  
"Look if you wanna get all riled up makin' this into somethin' it's obviously not then that's you're problem. Just quit buggin' me about it." Max retaliated jokingly.  
  
"Max. You know you're mah best boo but if y'all don't get over this whole 'we ain't like that' shit, Original Cindy's gonna hafta lay a smackdown on both you and richboy."  
  
Max grinned at the imagery Cindy's threats conjured up as she crossed the space from the living room to the kitchen. Grabbing her keys she sighed. "Think you could take me? I'm pretty handy at that sorta thing y'know."  
  
"Oh whatever girl. You just get yourself sorted out before I be gettin', and I quote '...all riled up.' Now go on, get outa here already." Cindy waved Max towards the door laughing.  
  
"Gotta bounce," Max said, smiling as she headed for the door. Still she couldn't help but mess with Cindy a little. "Don't wait up or anything." she joked as the door closed behind her.  
  
***  
  
The ride over to Foggle Towers was a little of an arguement between her, Max, and her inner Original Cindy. That being the one that was all 'you goin' over to loverboy's tonight?' and 'ah your rich boyfriend, blah blah woof woof'. It was a constant go between of 'but Logan and I aren't like that.' and retaliations like 'you know you want him boo, just go do somethin about it.' This in turn only led to her thinking over her whole relationship with him since day one. Again, in turn this left her more confused than ever. It was driving her crazy.  
  
Logan had been nothing but honest with her, she knew that. Next to Original Cindy, Logan was someone she trusted with her secrets. The truths about her life and all the baggage that came with. Most people would've freaked out or not wanted anything to do with her at all, but he'd been there. He hadn't run off and he hadn't pulled away. Logan stayed right where he was, being the same man he'd always been.   
  
Max may not have realised it right away, but Logan wasn't the only one she'd had a surprise in store for tonight. It all clicked into place in her own head as she pulled up outside Foggle Towers. After the past few months they'd had less of a working relationship and more of a casual one of friendship. A few long nights of kickin' his ass at chess, always preceeded by some cullenary masterpiece Logan had whipped together. She admitted freely that she'd enjoyed it. But all too soon all the crimelords in the city seemed to get all overactive. It was less of the casual dinners and friendly games of chess and more and more of the Eyes Only related missions. It was typical of Logan to become lost in his work again, but tonight was different. His birthday. Even if he'd forgotten with his head buried high in files and reports she was there to remind him. Even attempt an edible dinner if she had to. Perhaps have a little talk about what's been on her mind lately.  
  
As she made her way inside and toward the elevator Max couldn't believe she was even considering talking things over with Logan. She didn't even know if he'd thought the same things about her, if he felt the same way about their relationship. Perhaps it was her inner Original Cindy winning her over, but for some reason or another, Max was tired of spending months with Logan and not getting any further forward. Sure it scared her, half to death if the truth be known, but she would be able to get passed it. This was Logan she was talking about, feeling this way about. He was worth taking a risk on.   
  
Suddenly the elevator lurched to a stop and the doors parted bearly an inch or two. The lights shut off and the place was plunged into darkness. Casting a casual thanks back to Manticore for her night vision capabilities Max cursed under her breath and took a firm grip of the doors. A few choice curse words later and the doors were open and Max stepped out onto the landing. 'Least I made it to his floor.' she thought as she looked around, taking in the effects of yet another brownout.  
  
Max stopped outside Logan's door and stared at the surface for a few seconds. 'Okay, so you're gonna go surprise him. Happy Birthday's all round. Then what?' She bit her lower lip a little nervous and cursing herself for feeling that way. 'Then you're gonna ask him, no...tell him' Her thoughts tripped over one another as she tried to fumble for a conclusion in her mission. Her objective would be...  
  
"Talk," she whispered to herself. "Yeah, then we talk."  
  
  



	3. Just Being There

Title: Just Being There  
  
Written By: Drea Jackman  
  
Email: DreaJackman@Literati.co.uk  
  
Rating: 15 (Overall)  
  
Summary: What really lies behind Eyes Only?  
  
Series: Eyes Only  
  
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters involved. All Dark Angel characters belong to Cameron/Eglee Productions and Fox...the lucky *ahem*!  
  
Dedication: For Cale, who really pushed me to attempt this story.  
  
Archive: Sure, just email me to lemme know where first. Thanks!  
  
Feedback: Hell yeah! It's another of the small pleasures of writing.  
  
Author's Note: Set pre-kisses and confessions in 'Meow'. I do realise that Logan's birthday and the date of the pulse are not as they appear in this fic, but it made for a more interesting story.  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Knocking all of once so that no one inside would really have much chance of hearing her let alone answering the door, Max went inside. The apartment was dimly lit by only a few of Logan's usually atmostpheric candles. Now that there had been a brownout Max thought the situation was perfect. Even though Logan had turned into the worker bee, tonight he'd have no choice but to leave his computers be and listen to her. At least that was the plan.  
  
"Logan?" she called quietly.  
  
Logan didn't hear Max enter at first. The sobs no longer wracked his body but his eyes still stung. As what little lighting he'd had went out he opened his eyes and looked out between his fingers to focus on the centre of the room. It was dimly lit by candles, nothing else. It only served as a minor beating that once again the fruits of his early life's labour had plunged the city into darkness.  
  
"Logan!"  
  
"Damn." Logan exclaimed in a whisper. 'Max is here? Now? Shit!'   
  
"Hey Logan, anyone home?"  
  
Max stopped as she rounded the perspex screens to find Logan's computer area empty as expected. One of the monitors in pieces by her feet was another story, one she hadn't expected at all. In truth it left her a little worried. 'What if someone broke in, found out who Eyes Only was and came to take him out? What if Logan was hurt?' Too many questions and not enough apparent answers. Max didn't like it at all.  
  
"Logan!"  
  
As Logan finally had time to register, with added dismay, that Max was indeed here he tried in vain to get up. His hurry wasn't really helping him much, but by the time Max had found him he had successfully managed to stand up and turn to face out of the windows, cane still by his side.  
  
"Hey," she began quietly noting Logan's stiff stance by the window. "You okay?"  
  
Logan didn't answer at first. He was worried that the crack would still be present in his voice if he did. Not turning round he kept his eyes locked on the now blackened city outstretched before him. Finally he decided to speak.  
  
"Just fine."   
  
His voice was whisper-soft and blank. If Max hadn't known any better she'd have thought she was listening to someone else speaking. Even Logan didn't pull of sarcasm this well. His voice betrayed nothing of his mood or emotions. It was empty of everything that made him the man she knew him to be. Walking up to him slowly, Max stopped beside him and followed his gaze out over the city.  
  
"Wanna talk about it?"  
  
"Not really." Same dry emptiness in his voice.  
  
Max stayed silent for a little while longer before finally turning ever so slightly to look up at him. She could only make out the left side of his face. He looked pale and there was something else. 'He's been crying?' she thought suddenly as she recognised the drying trailmarks that led from under the wireframe of his glasses over his cheek and disappeared into the scruff of his beard. Max felt something ache inside to see him like that and knew that tact was the only way to get him to talk about it. The only way she could help him.  
  
"So," she started in the same manner so many of their attempts to break awkward silences went. "Computer piss you off?"  
  
Logan's gaze out of the windows never faltered. He just turned away from her slightly to stare out over another patch of blackness. No reply. His silence was killing Max. 'Why the hell's he being like this? What the hell happened?'  
  
"Logan, talk to me." her voice now pleaded with him. She reached out and laid her hand on his left arm, urging him to turn and face her, to look her in the eye.  
  
"And say what?" he asked finally turning to meet her urging.  
  
"Tell me whatever's doing this?" she asked softly, her voice just about broken itself at the sight before her.   
  
Her free hand rose up to his face and she ran the backs of her fingers down his cheek drying the tears that trespassed there. His hair was more dishevelled than usual and his eyes were red and bloodshot. In all the time she'd known him this was the first she'd ever seen him like this before. Even when he'd been in hospital, even with the wheelchair, he'd never looked half as vulnerable as he did standing before her right now.  
  
"I can't." he answered after a few moments had passed.  
  
A lump had arisen in Logan's throat as Max had turned him to face her. Made even worse by the sound in her voice as she pleaded with him to tell her what was going on. He could bearly speak round it. All he really wanted to do was cry, to smash things up. Anything to get the horrible feeling out of his system. He wanted to be alone because he didn't want Max to see him like this, to know who and what he really was. But at the same time he didn't want to be alone because of how he felt about her and how much he wanted more than ever to stop hiding from her.  
  
Max felt tears begin to sting her own eyes as she watched Logan's features tear at the mix of emotions flitting through his eyes. She didn't understand. It ate her up that she didn't, but it was fact all the same. If he wouldn't, or couldn't, explain it to her right now then all she could do was be with him. Nothing more, nothing less. She took a few moments more to try and read his eyes, to try and understand what was eating away at him and hurting him so bad. She may not know what it was or exactly how deep it ran, but Max knew a secret when she saw one. And what she saw now was someone she cared about reaching breaking point with his own secrets. Sliding her hand down into his she squeezed it softly and pulled him a little closer. Wrapping her arms around his waist she laid her head on his chest and hugged him tight.  
  
"I'm sorry." she whispered.  
  
"For what?" Logan's hand returned her gesture of reassurance by squeezing back and he slowly brought his other arm up to hold her close.   
  
"That I don't know how to make it better."  
  
Logan waited a few seconds more before answering as he took time to think over what could make the situation better. He knew nothing really could, but the fact that Max was there with him was enough.  
  
"You're here."  
  
Max appreciated the sentiment and gripped the back of his shirt lightly at the waist as she opened her eyes to look out the windows again, still not removing her head from Logan's chest. The soft thump of his heartbeat beneath her ear was a comfort. If her presence could help Logan then that's what she'd do.  
  
"I won't leave." she said gently.  
  
Logan's grip around her tightened as if in answer to her gesture. Here was this amazing woman who'd shared all of her secrets with him, everything about her past and everything that could put her in greater danger now, who only wanted to help him when she saw him in a bad way. 'How could you have been so stupid?' he wondered. 'You said you'd never hide from her again. Never hurt her.' Logan lowered his head to rest his cheek on the top of her head as he looked out at the city with her.  
  
"We don't have to talk." Max whispered softly against his chest.  
  
Logan closed his eyes briefly as if thanking some higher power for letting him off the hook at least for now. He wasn't sure he could tell her everything just yet. Finding the right words to tell her would he hard and he freely admitted his fear. He wasn't ready to loose her yet. Max almost felt his stance release a little more, like he'd been relieved at her backing down. 'He's that uptight about telling me?' she wondered briefly before pushing the thoughts from her head. She knew Logan, really knew him. He'd tell her when he was ready and until he was she'd be there for him.  
  
As if on cue, both brought their gaze back from the window to look at each other. Max looked up at Logan with nothing but concern and a little uncharacteristic patience emanating from her eyes. Logan looked back down at Max wondering how he'd ever gotten as lucky in life. To have someone actually care about what was going on with him and want to help. It wasn't something he was used to for himself. Without another word spoken the pair found themselves drawn to the other. Their eyes slowly drifting closed and they ventured forward both seeking to find and offer comfort. Lips met tentatively as they shared their first true kiss.   
  
Nothing about this kiss said goodbye. Max was trying to let Logan know that she'd be there, how much she cared and how she wouldn't leave him now, not when he needed someone. Logan was revelling in the sensations of having Max in his arms, kissing him back. To be able to imagine for brief seconds that this was how it'd be for both of them. He knew that after what he had to tell her was said, he'd loose her and he'd never have this moment back again.   
  
Slowly they broke the kiss only to draw uneven but deep breaths. Max opened her eyes to find Logan's trained on her. His face was blank, nothing registering but the sure expression of purpose. At this confirmation Max's face also took on a new determination as they moved toward each other and kissed again. This time there was nothing tentative or unsure. It was long awaited for both of them and they were only too happy to finally act on it.   
  
The kiss was still gentle. Logan pressed soft butterfly kisses on Max's lips and she slowly traced first his upper lip, then his lower one with her tongue. Logan let go of her hand and wound his hand back up into her hair as he parted his lips to grant her the entry she sought. Her hands fisted in the back of his shirt as his tongue met hers and gently explored the recesses of her mouth.   
  
Gradually their motions slowed and Logan drew back a little. Max still held him close and continued her trail of kisses leading them up and down his neck. As her hands slid up into his wild hair Logan's eyes fluttered open, his eyes once again faced with the blackness that had engulfed the city below. Slowly moving his hands up to catch hers, he knew it was time to stop.  
  
"Max," he said, his voice still a little hoarse. He slid his hands into hers and brought them down to his chest.  
  
Max stopped her administrations and looked up at him a little disappointed, but she knew what it meant. It was important this happened in his time. She didn't answer right away, but instead simply nodded to let him know she understood.  
  
"I'm listening."  
  
  



	4. Kisses & Confessions

Title: Kisses & Confessions  
  
Written By: Drea Jackman  
  
Email: DreaJackman@Literati.co.uk  
  
Rating: 15 (Overall)  
  
Summary: What really lies behind Eyes Only?  
  
Series: Eyes Only  
  
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters involved. All Dark Angel characters   
belong to Cameron/Eglee Productions and Fox...the lucky *ahem*!  
  
Dedication: For Cale, who really pushed me to attempt this story.  
  
Archive: Sure, just email me to lemme know where first. Thanks!  
  
Feedback: Hell yeah! It's another of the small pleasures of writing.  
  
Author's Note: Set pre-kisses and confessions in 'Meow'. I do realise that   
Logan's birthday and the date of the pulse are not as they appear in this fic, but   
it made for a more interesting story.  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Logan held her gaze briefly for a few seconds more as he appreciated her understanding. After  
what they'd just done he wondered if she could really mean what he thought she did. 'Does she  
wanna be with me? Does she really care?'  
  
Max stared back, her patience wearing impossibly thin. All she wanted to do was pull the strong  
figure of the man standing before her, so vulnerable, into her arms and never let him go. She  
wanted to make all the pain go away. 'What's it gonna take?' she wondered briefly as her eyes  
searched his for explanation.  
  
As he realized there could be the tiniest possibility that she could indeed be feeling that way  
about their relationship he also realized that he couldn't lie anymore. He couldn't deny it. Over  
the past few weeks they had been getting closer. Way closer than they'd ever been and he  
supposed it was because of that reason he was so compelled to reveal himself to her now. With  
a sigh Logan finally broke the silence that engulfed both of them.   
  
"I'm sorry." he whispered softly. It was all he could think of saying to begin.   
  
Once Max had heard all of what he had to say he was sure she'd turn away from him. He'd lied  
to her, hidden from her and now that it came to confession time he was certain she'd turn away  
from him and his hidden truths. Max was going to leave his life and not look back. The arid  
desert that was his life would lose the it's little desert rose, the one spark in his otherwise dull  
existence.  
  
"I don't understand." Max said quietly, shaking her head gently. "You haven't done anything to  
apologize for."  
  
Logan drew in a deep breath and abruptly turned his head away from her to face the dimly lit  
interior of his apartment. The upturned wheelchair caught his eye momentarily before he turned  
back to Max, his expression deadly serious.  
"Max I need for you to listen to me now."  
  
Max only frowned in response, but kept silent as she gripped Logan's hands tighter. She could  
feel his heart pounding rapidly beneath the wall of his chest. The seriousness of the situation  
was now gripping her completely and it terrified her more than she'd like.  
  
"You're not gonna like hearing this," he continued. "Any of it. I just need for you to listen okay. I  
gotta say this."  
  
"Tell me." she said softly.  
  
Logan nodded slowly and brought their hands down from his chest releasing her right hand.   
Keeping her left securely in his, he walked over to the couch and gestured for her to sit.   
Grudgingly Max complied and Logan sat on the table opposite her. Almost in a show of  
sentimentality for what he felt he was about to lose forever, Logan reached out tentatively and  
brushed a loose strand of hair from her cheek. Taking the soft locks between his fingertips he  
caressed it gently appreciating yet something else of the woman he knew he'd always love.  
  
"You're amazing, you know that?" his tone filled with admiration.  
  
Max, staying true to his request, didn't utter a sound.  
  
"So many secrets, all the lies that surround you." His expression brightened as if reminiscing  
over their past few months together. "You never hid from me, not ever. I don't know if you can  
understand how much that means, to know that you felt you could trust me like that."  
"Logan," Max began but she was quickly stopped by his fingers gently pressing on her lips.  
  
"There's things you don't know about me Max. Things I never wanted you to find out. I never  
wanted to lie to you, but I was too afraid of losing you to come forward."  
  
"You'll never lose me."   
  
Max's expression softened into one of compassion as she clutched his right hand even tighter.   
Her intention was to reassure him and make him feel better but it had the exact opposite effect.   
Logan shook his head with determination, denying what she said to be true.  
  
"No, it's not that easy. You can't comprehend the things I did, the suffering I caused..." he trailed  
off, all the images flashing through his mind over and over again. In those brief few seconds of  
silence Logan relived the entire ordeal over again.   
  
His reaction worried Max even more than his words. She didn't say anything this time. Instead  
she remained silent. No actions or words of comfort offered. All she wanted to do was find out  
what was going on. Perfectly aware that their relationship was reaching a point of no return, Max  
had met her fear and acted on it. Instead of pulling away from him, she'd offered to stay. The  
kiss they'd shared had sealed over the conversation they'd been running away from since they'd  
met.  
  
"Logan?" she whispered softly, trying to get him to look her in the eye again.  
  
"With a single act I broke the world." he said, the broken edge in his voice plainly audible.   
  
Logan's eyes rose to meet hers and Max could clearly see the tears welling up again. The same  
part inside her began to ache. The feeling of being helpless overwhelmed her and she knew she  
could do nothing to ease his pain, at least not yet. Still, she understood where he was going, or  
she thought she did. Berating herself for asking, she had to do it anyway. She had to know.   
The single act, had it really been what she thought it was?   
  
"The Pulse?" she asked warily.  
  
Logan simply nodded, his head hung. His eyes no longer held hers, he was far too ashamed.   
Of all the ironic and hypocritical things. Logan Cale, the good and true Eyes Only, responsible  
for so much pain and suffering. Not only that but all the lies he'd had to cover his secret with.   
Even if Max could forgive him, he'd never be able to forgive himself for lying to her like that.   
Never.  
  
"But, how?" she asked again, sounding confused more than anything else.  
  
"Some people contacted me with information about the corruption within our own banks here in  
the city. Innocent people were loosing alot of money and had nothing to account for as a reason.   
They recruited me with their speeches about justice and loyalty...Geez I must have been so  
naive."  
  
Logan stopped briefly to curse himself then he finally managed to look Max in the eye again.   
This was the moment he'd dreaded for a long time and he was flying blind through it moment to  
moment. Everything that came out of his mouth he'd rehearsed over and over but it wasn't  
coming out the way it had a hundred or a thousand times before.  
  
"I provided the hacks and the materials were paid for on my, wealthy, account. It all went to plan,  
I set up where they told me to and then, when the time came, I pressed the button." He paused  
taking a deep breath and letting it out in a long sigh. "But they tricked me. It was only meant to  
affect Seattle and only meant to affect their computer systems. It wasn't supposed to..."  
  
Logan's tone grew desperate and distressed as he fought to maintain a shred of normality in his  
voice. Something that wouldn't betray everything he'd been hiding all these years all at once.   
He wasn't ready for that yet. It was all too much too fast.  
  
Max took a few moments in silence to process what he'd been saying. 'Logan caused the  
Pulse?' she thought over and over again. The more important question pushing on her mind was  
'He lied to me?' It was that thought that hurt her more than anything else. She'd trusted Logan  
with her life, her inner most secrets and all the while he'd been hiding something this big from  
her. It hurt more than she could bear, but at the same time the way he appeared before her now  
changed that hurt into something else. A kind of understanding. Question was, would it be  
enough for her to forgive him.  
  
"It wasn't your fault Logan."  
  
"I should've known better. Seen it coming. Stopped it. I'm Eyes Only God damn it! I fight this  
kinda thing. I'm not supposed to be one of them."  
  
Max reached out with her other hand and covered his mouth gently. He just had to stop and  
breath a little more, calm himself down. This had obviously been eating away at him for years  
and she had no idea how deeply his pain ran. All she knew was that she couldn't let him carry  
on suffering anymore.   
  
"Shhh, just breath." she whispered softly in an attempt to calm him down.  
  
"Max, I'm sorry..." he gasped, trying to fight back tears that were already trespassing over his  
cheeks.  
  
"It's okay," she breathed, but she could tell he hadn't heard her.  
  
"I'm so, so sorry." he continued his confessions in what appeared to be something only falling  
short of a blind panic. "I never wanted to hide from you. But the closer we got the harder it  
became to tell you the truth. I don't wanna lose you Max."  
  
"Logan." Max sighed and pulled him closer, leaning forward until she could wrap her arms  
around him in a hug.   
  
Logan buried his head in the crook of her neck and Max could feel the warm tears on her skin.   
His body trembled ever so slightly in her arms and the guilt ridden sobs wracked his body, she  
guessed for the second time that night. Gently rocking them back and forth Max set to work  
calming and comforting him.  
  
"Shhh, it's okay. It doesn't matter."  
  
Logan only hugged her tighter, his hands sliding up underneath her jacket to hold her closer.   
The irrational fear that she was going to leave him forever was killing him slowly and painfully.   
So much so that he wasn't taking in what she was saying. All the years of keeping such a large  
secret had eaten away at him bit by bit until it had resulted in this. This breakdown of barriers  
tonight that would surely cost him his love.  
  
"But it does. I hid it from you for so long, and I told you I'd never hide myself from you. Not  
again." his voice was hoarse and rasped as he spoke almost frantically.  
"I already told you, you're not gonna lose me Logan. Listen to me." she said pulling him back to  
look her in the eye. This was it, crunch time. She knew this had to be said just right and it  
wasn't the time to be hiding anything. After tonight that was it. No more hiding.  
  
"You never once hid who you were from me. Not once." she began solemnly.  
  
"But Max,"   
  
"You're Eyes Only. You help fight for justice in a world where it's rarely seen nowadays. The  
victims you fight for are like you were then. You got played and the consequences were serious  
and lasting, but you still fight to make a difference."  
  
Max prayed to whatever deity she could believe in or whatever higher power there was up there.   
God, the Blue Lady, anything or anyone who'd listen and help her now. All she wanted was for  
Logan to believe what she was saying to be true. It was all that could ease his suffering and end  
his pain.  
  
"But I caused it all." he said quietly.  
  
"And now you fight every single day to make it better. Putting your life on the line for complete  
strangers day after day. You're not the bad guy here Logan, you never were."  
  
Logan sat silently thinking over what she was saying. How could she have just heard what he  
had to confess and still he sat there in front of him now? More importantly, and to his disbelief,  
how could she still be sitting there trying to make him feel better? He struggled to understand  
where this compassion was coming from for him, especially for him now.  
  
Without thinking he raised his hand up and trailed the backs of his fingers over her cheek,  
caressing the soft skin delicately. His eyes searched hers as if he was trying to find her reason  
for showing him mercy when he'd expected anger and hatred.  
  
"I don't know what I did to deserve you in my life," he began, his voice whisper-soft. "But I'm  
sorry I hid from you and I'm sorry I lied."  
  
Max stopped and relaxed feeling Logan's touch warm her. She nuzzled her check into his palm  
and enjoyed the pleasing sensations it brought her.  
  
"Everyone has secrets, and I won't lie to you. I have a pretty big one I've been carrying round for  
months now and I've hid it from you."  
  
Logan's face grew serious again. As if this night hadn't brought out enough fears, now it had to  
stab him with the fact that she'd hidden herself from him too? It was almost more than he could  
bear.   
  
"I've been having these thoughts about you, not just recently, but since we first met. It was  
always easier to just push them away and ignore them, but in the last few months it's been  
getting so hard not to act on these feelings." she tried to explain so he'd understand.  
  
"Feelings?" he asked without meaning to. The words had left his lips before he'd had a chance  
to think them through.  
  
"I've never felt this way before and all this stuff tonight is only proving one thing." she continued  
in a soft voice.  
  
"Proving what?" he breathed, not daring to hope it could be the reason he'd dreamt of all this  
time.  
  
"That no matter what happens, no matter what you tell me, you'll never lose me. I could never  
leave you, Logan. I love you."  
  
Logan couldn't find words at that exact moment. He just sat there trying to comprehend the  
meaning of the words he'd heard her say, for truly she couldn't have meant them as they'd come  
out. 'Could she?' he wondered. Before he had a chance to speak Max continued her speech.  
  
"Logan Cale, Eyes Only. The man sitting in front of me right now. The same man I met while  
breaking into his penthouse and the same one I'm talking to right now. I don't wanna hide  
anything from you anymore. This is me, this is how I feel. Deal with it." she finished as only  
Max could.  
  
"Max I," Logan fumbled for words. Never had he expected to have her be able to forgive him, let  
alone return his feelings as strongly as she had. The night had been like a roller coaster and he  
didn't know what was gonna come next. One surprise after the other.   
  
Unable to find the words to complete the moment Logan could only slide his hand up into her  
hair as he leaned in toward her. Kissing her again for the second time that hour Logan delighted  
in knowing this time, that it wasn't a goodbye kiss in anyway. He took Max at her word believing  
that she wasn't going to leave him and never come back. She cared about him, really cared and  
his heart soared knowing how she truly felt about him. After a few minutes both were breathless  
and Logan drew back to look into her beautiful dark eyes, his thumb tracing her cheek bone  
tenderly. He gazed into her eyes for a while before finally speaking in his usual soft tones.  
  
"I love you."  
  
With a smile Max slid over on the couch to make space for him and Logan moved to sit beside  
her. Almost immediately lips locked and arms caressed wildly. Sitting side by side leaning back  
into the comfy cushions of the couch their legs interlocked as their hands explored. With no  
more hidden truths to eat away at them they were now free. No more fear, no more hesitation.   
All they knew was their love for each other. A love they planned on sharing completely.  
  
  
  



End file.
